A book club discussion of “The Steam Room Diaries” in Worthington, Ohio offered this fledgling author a banquet of insights about writing, stories, and readers. One fragment of discussion too quickly interrupted has lingered.
There was an incidental remark from one woman about the male friendships and intimacies evidenced in the steam room and in response another woman questioned whether those arbitrary encounters constitute “friendship.” Can brief, accidental connections syncopated by complete separation be considered friendship? Some of the women thought not as several men exchanged knowing smiles and glances.
The next day friend Bradley and I, out walking the dogs in the way men do, hovered over that snippet of conversation. Our friendship in fact, is that kind of syncopated connection and we reckoned that such is the nature of most of our male friendships. There may or may not be a pattern or frequency to the encounters but when we do connect it is concise, intimate, and meaningful. It seemed to us quite different from friendship as we have seen it embodied and exercised by many of the women we know.
Popular culture is a blunt instrument and can cudgel people, places, and ethos to death on its way to making a change. Masculinity and the social exercise of maleness have received a beating as women fight for equality. The disparaging of masculinity is natural in part because men have been dominant and oppressive, and also because shades of grey and nuance are always victimized in the midst of battle.
The staccato exercise of male friendships has received that kind of dismissive pan in serious as well as playful social critiques filtered through mass media. Male models of friendship are made too look second-rate to the presumed superior ways that women form and nurture friendships. I want to formally object.
It goes without saying that men have different social histories than women and have been formed over time by both function and form. The way of friendship among men is actually quite well suited to our current far-flung, highly mobile way of life. It works and I for one like the way we do it.
It is easy within the social and political feminization taking place, especially if we want to support that struggle, to undervalue and disrespect masculinity and more traditional forms of maleness. So I wanted to stop and stutter on that small revelation gleaned within a lovely evening of insights.
Many thanks to the members of the Book Club in Worthington, Ohio for reading “The Steam Room Diaries” and for digging into it with me.
Friendships (male or female) can be equal in value and quality without being the same. Genuine friendships enhance our lives no matter our gender. Stop competing for what????
Ha! “complete” – thanks for catching it.
Wish I could have been at the discussion!
I wish you had been too! You’re in my prayers friend.
Bravo, Cam. You have certainly more than “hit upon something” in this recent rant; articulated with brilliance a dimension of male friendship that is as ancient – no doubt – as our species. Even as Jesus reappeared to his followers, he felt compelled to prove his identity to Thomas – after a spell of His absence. Perhaps it would be analogous to Jesus “buying the guys a round” in today’s world of bar rooms and beers – just to show that he was still a “regular guy,” and not some ghost hell bent on their deception. Or, perhaps that odd moment with Thomas had something to do with His new wound out-trumping any “old wounds” they may have felt amongst their lot – like the disciples inability to stay awake while Jesus prayed in the Garden. Anyway, thanks for the time you take to think and assign those thoughts to print: we are all so very better off because of it.
I suspect, because Mark says so, Jesus couldn’t wait to get away from those guys and be by himself. He was likely an introvert, oh well.
Some women have syncopated or episodic friendships as well. I have moved more than 30 times in my life and have two or three scattered friends who, when we do connect in person, feel just as close as when we said goodbye. Perhaps at least a part of the nature of an individual’s friendships is governed by life style. RE male friendship – is it your experience that people separated by distance will keep in touch by FaceBook or other social media? I find tat FB lets me know some of what is going on in friends’ life, but doesn’t give the closeness of being together or talking on the phone.
I’m with you, FB is great for hearing about folks and especially people I had lost touch with. But it doesn’t bring connection in the sense I was referencing it. I imagine that folks who move a lot develop skills for connecting sooner and well than most of the rest of us. And I think you’re right also about friendships of convenience, that proximity and need can bring people together that might not otherwise have connected or bonded closely. Thanks!
Sheez Cam. Some people just send a thank you note but overachiever you writes an insightful essay. How nice!
I’m sending a thank you card too