Reflecting on Authenticity

A Denim Spirit Archive from June 2017

A friend going through divorce once wrote this phrase at the end of an email:
“How am I, you have asked? Pretty raw, aching for this to be over, and tinged with some self-pity. Hand to the plow, as I’ll go to whatever lengths necessary for my children and I to live in authentic love and freedom.”

I wrote back:
“May I go out on a very long limb, since it is not mine to say, but you already live in authentic love and freedom, which is why you are doing what you are doing. It’s just that authentic anything is never without pain.”

She already knew that, of course, but sometimes when we are traversing the sorrow, grief, or pain that comes with living authentically, it helps to be reminded there is a good reason we feel the way we do.

Living authentically has to do with becoming very clear where I end and you begin, and doing the work of figuring out where our beliefs, values, and perspectives came from and who gave them to us. Once we go down that road, which of course is an inner journey, then we can begin to choose the elements of our life and character for ourselves. To say it that way sounds so simple and easy, but to live that way insures we will have tumultuous times, conflict within and around, and sometimes feel great distance from family and friends.

The great psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, Carl Jung, called this process “individuation.” There are spiritual traditions that call it “living wakefully” or simply “being awake.” It has to do with a purposeful exploration of who we are, why we are the way we are, and then consciously choosing who and what to be. That requires painful separations (though not necessarily permanent), courageous acceptance of limitations and foibles, and tenaciousness through the conflict we will have with those around us who think they own a piece of us.

There comes, with this process, the liberating awareness that we can indeed choose to give ourselves to people and causes, but that it is our gift and not something owed or stolen.

Authentic people can feel intimidating or disconcerting if what we are used to is getting our own way, bargaining for emotional connection, or nurturing personal hiddenness. At the same time, we often find ourselves deeply attracted to authentic people, even against our other judgments. That is because of how blissfully liberating it is to be in the presence of one with whom we can fully be ourselves, as we also welcome the other to be fully him or herself.

Unfortunately, our institutional leaders rarely exhibit such authenticity, particularly those in public office. We prefer people who tell us what we want to hear, or who appear to be “real” when in fact, based upon their actions, are anything but authentic. Indeed, we reward inauthenticity precisely because it  allows us to go on pretending that what we believe and want is exactly what should happen — while authenticity may hurt and can threaten our comfort.

Authentic anything is never without some amount of loss, pain, or discomfort. True leaders actually challenge and help us to live more authentically.